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  1. Don’t Cheat on Your Stylist (and the importance of patience) | Part 2

    March 27, 2014 by jessica

    When I last left you, I had a glorious victory. I said my peace, stormed out of Ulta,  and then texted home saying that I wouldn’t be picking up Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza as originally planned, because I was on the lam (more…)


  2. Don’t Cheat on Your Stylist | Part 1

    March 14, 2014 by jessica

    If you know me at all, you are aware that I change my hair color a lot…it’s like a disease. A short period of time will pass and I’ll grow antsy, an unexplainable fire starts burning within me and I absolutely must alter my appearance! However, recently, for the first time in my life, I’ve actually been content with the same color for almost (key word: almost) THREE hair styling sessions in a row. That color, was a beautiful pale lavender. It all started with me experimenting with a bright purplish-blue color (more…)


  3. How to Write a Pop Song

    December 16, 2013 by jessica

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    1. Say some sentences about stuff that’s happening.

    2. Repeat something super obvious that’s happening 4-6 times in a row.

    3. Say more sentences about stuff that’s happening.

    4. Repeat the same super obvious thing that was happening before 4-6 times.

    5. Break off on a crazy tangent for like 15 seconds.

    6. Say your least/most favorite thing that’s happening/happened.

    7. Repeat the same super obvious thing that was happening before an undetermined amount times in a row ’til the music fades out.

    *Gold*


  4. Dear Massage Therapists

    October 10, 2013 by jessica

    Seems like I’ve been writing a lot of letters lately; oh well, some things have got to be said or change will never occur.

    To preface, I have back problems. My muscles think it’s cool to tense up to the point of nausea, throbbing, and pretty much causing me to be laid out on the ground, useless and in tears, et cetera; hence, I try to get massages as often as I can afford them. That being said, I have yet to find the perfect Massage Therapist that can get those knots out but also knows how to shut the hell up for 60 minutes so I can goddamn relax. At this point, I’m writing a letter (more…)


  5. Dear Jon Bon Jovi (For my friend Sue)

    August 7, 2013 by jessica

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    Dear JBJ,

    Can I call you JBJ? I feel like it’s more informal that way. Yes? Okay. Thanks. Anyway, you probably don’t know why I’m writing you this letter, but not to worry because I’m about to break it down for ya real nice.

    Let me tell you a little something about this lovely gal named Sue. Okay, shhh, I know I know, can I continue? Anyway, Sue is a wonderful and hot woman. Any time you sang a song in the past 25 years that sounded like it was to a woman, it was about her, you just probably didn’t know it yet because you haven’t met her. She like, buys all your CDs. Yeah, I said CDs. The old school kind, not even MP3s on the internet. She buys them as soon as they come out AND comes to see you in concert, too.

    Think back to your last concert in the northeast. She was probably there. Yup, you got it, she was the one wearing the I Heart Bon Jovi t-shirt.

    Oh, and another thing, no, never mind, I won’t tell you that. Yes I will; she has a hot black and white picture of you as her phone background. What is more die hard than that? Nothing. That’s what.

    So anyway, you should definitely meet her and embrace your destiny. But be careful, she’s very awesome and has 5 rules to get past the initial testing in order for you to be worthy of dating, so don’t fuck it up. I won’t tell you what those are since that would be cheating, but I’m sure you’ll do just fine. Woah woah, don’t start taking your shirt off, Sue didn’t get here yet. Patience.

    Oh, one more thing, you’re welcome.

    Sincerely,

    Your Biggest Fan’s Friend

     

    PS – I almost forgot, she has big bodacious ta ta’s. She wanted me to tell you that; Just FYI.


  6. Dear Sinterklaas (4 months later)

    August 1, 2013 by jessica

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    April 3, 2013

     

    Dear Sinterklaas,

    I know it’s gotta be weird hearing from me in April, but I wanted you to be ahead of the game in what you’re getting me this year on the day that’s dedicated specifically to you. Here’s some things I really want right this moment, but feel free to text me later in case I come up with new ideas: (more…)


  7. A young girl’s traumatic recollection, in a nutshell

    November 29, 2012 by jessica

    he came over one day

    we went to the park to go on the swings or whatever

    and i was wearing white shorts

    i was on the swing and he was all, “i wanna tell you something but i don’t want you to get mad”

    so i said, “don’t tell me”

    13 year old jessica must not have wanted to get bad news, preferred to be blissfully ignorant i suppose

    then like an hour or so later

    i went to the bathroom and saw the stain. totally through the shorts. definitely what he was talking about

    i was still too nervous to bring it up/admit it

    so i just changed into another pair of similar yet OBVIOUSLY different white shorts

    then he left

    and i died


  8. Honey (not Boo Boo)

    October 25, 2012 by jessica

    I was sitting on the floor in the gate’s overcrowded waiting area when I spotted her.

    Late 60s-early 70s, slim figure, short and curly helmet of black hair, glossy crimson lipstick and shimmery emerald eyeshadow. She was struggling with a gigantic red carry on. Her husband pleaded, “Whaddaya doooing? Just stay hea!” but she wasn’t having it. “Come…on. We’re. Moving,” her eyes screamed “NOW” but her voice was low and controlled. It’s all in the eyes; she was clearly some sort of lunatic. Please don’t put me anywhere near that batshit crazy woman, I thought.

    As I near my seat on the flight, there she is. (more…)


  9. The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Done (hopefully)

    July 21, 2012 by jessica

    We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of, myself included (hard to believe, I know). You usually feel better about these things over time, but some just haunt you forever. The way I’m talking you might think I murdered someone, which I didn’t. Not literally, anyway.

    I was about ten years old, (more…)


  10. Releasing the hate

    June 19, 2012 by jessica

    There’s this girl that I’ve hated for about ten years, for several reasons. Let’s call her Sidney, because I don’t know anyone named Sidney personally.

    Whenever I heard anything about Sidney, I would instantly fly into a rage. Facebook allowed this to happen often because we had mutual friends and she would pop up here and there, making me want to virtually punch her in the stomach. (more…)